We have stuck together since the late 1950's but the whole of this latest election process has made us realize that we want a divorce. We know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has run its course.
Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right so let's just end it on friendly terms. We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way.
Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each taking a portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes.
What Conservatives Get to Keep |
What Liberals Get to Keep |
| - Since you hate guns and war, we'll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA, and the military |
- We don't like redistributive taxes so you can keep them. You are more than welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU |
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- You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore, and Rosie O'Donnell |
| - We'll keep the capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart, and Wall Street |
- You can have your beloved homeless, home boys, hippies, and illegal aliens |
| - We'll keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms, greedy CEO's, and rednecks. We'll keep the Bibles |
- You get to keep NBC, ABC, CBS, and Hollywood |
| - We'll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us |
- You can make nice with Iran and Palestine |
| - When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we'll help provide them security |
- You can have the peaceniks, hippies, and war protesters |
| - We'll keep our Judeo-Christian values |
- You're welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism, and Shirley McClain. You can also have the U.N. But nd of course you will pay all their bills |
| - We'll keep the SUVs, pickup trucks, and oversized luxury cars |
- You can take every Subaru station wagon you can find |
| - We'll continue to believe healthcare is a luxury and not a right |
- You can give everyone healthcare if you can find any practicing doctors |
| - We'll keep The Battle Hymn of the Republic and the National Anthem |
- I'm sure you'll be happy to substitute for these Imagine, I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing, Kum Ba Ya and We Are the World |
| - We'll practice trickle down economics |
- You can practice trickle-up poverty as your best shot |
| - Since it so often offends you, we'll keep our history, our name, and our flag |
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Attributed to a John J. Wall, Law Student