Yes, that magical time of year is here again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed by judges with tears in their eyes from laughing rolling on the floor, their honoring the least-evolved humans among us.
So without creating too much suspense, here is the #1 Choice for The Winner for the 2007 Darwin Award:
- When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked. He posthumously accepted the award
Now here are the Honorable Mentions. We are trying to figure out how the judges could stick to only one winner of the Darwin Award.
- The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and, after a little shopping around, submitted claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.
- A man, who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago, returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
- After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for three days.
- An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the had told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before it hit him.
- A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a 20-dollar bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Can you believe 15 dollars?
- Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The man's luck didn't stop there. The whole event was caught on videotape.
- As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. A clerk called 911 immediately, the woman able to give the cops a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove him back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, “Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from.”
- The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, demanding cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
Now for the Five-Star Stupidity Award:
- When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
Remember, they really do walk among us!
Thanks to Len of New Brunswick, Canada, eh?