1. Most Blues begin with:
"Woke up this morning..."
got a good woman" is a bad way to begin
the Blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line
like, "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."
The Blues is simple.
After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find
something that rhymes - sort of: "Got a good woman with
the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest
face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and she weigh
Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch,
you stuck in a ditch...ain't no way out.
5. Blues cars: Chevys,
Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues
don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles.
Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound
train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even
in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the Blues lifestyle.
So does fixin' to die.
can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to
die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood"
means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot
a man in Memphis.
7. Blues can take place
in New York City but not in Hawaii or anywhere in Canada. Hard
times in Minneapolis or Seattle are probably just clinical depression.
Chicago, St. Louis, Kansas City Memphis, and Nawlins are still
the best places to have the Blues. You
cannot have the Blues in any place that don't get rain.
man with male pattern baldness ain't the Blues. A
woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg 'cause
you were skiing is not the Blues. Breaking your leg 'cause a
alligator be chomping on it is.
can't have no Blues in an office or in a shopping mall. The
lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the
places for the Blues:
c. empty bed
d. bottom of a whiskey glass
places for the Blues:
b. gallery openings
c. Ivy League institutions
d. golf courses
one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you
happen to be an old person, and you slept in it.
you have the right to sing the Blues?
Yes, if . . .
a. you're older than dirt
b. you're blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis
d. you can't be satisfied
No, if . . .
a. you have all your teeth
b. you were once blind but now can see
c. the man in Memphis lived
d. you have a 401K or trust fund
Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of
bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the Blues. Sonny Liston could
have. Ugly white people, also, got a leg up on the Blues.
If you ask for water and your darlin' gives you gasoline, it's
Other acceptable Blues
a. cheap wine
b. whiskey or bourbon
c. muddy water
d. black coffee
These are NOT Blues beverages:
d. Slim Fast
death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues
death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is
another Blues way to die. So are the electric chair, substance
abuse and dying lonely on a broken-down cot. You can't have
death if you die during a tennis match or while getting liposuction.
Blues names for women:
b. Big Mama
Blues names for men:
c. Little Willie
d. Big Willie
with names like Michelle, Amber, Jennifer, Debbie, and Heather
can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they
shoot in Memphis.
Name Starter Kit:
a. name of physical infirmity
(Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
b. first name (above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi,
c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore,
For example: Blind Lime
Jefferson, Pegleg Lemon Johnson or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore,
etc. (Well, hmmm...maybe not "Kiwi.")