An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly
usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of
"Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely.
"The front row please." She answered.
"You really don't want to do that," the usher
said. "The pastor is really boring."
"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired.
"No." he said. "I'm the pastor's mother,"
she replied indignantly.
"Do you know who I am?" he asked.
"No." she said.
"Good." he answered.
A kindergarten teacher gave her class a Show-and-Tell assignment.
Each student was instructed to bring in an object to share with
the class that represented their religion.
The first student got up in front of the class and said, "My
name is Benjamin, and I am Jewish and this is a Star of David."
The second student got up in front of the class and said, "My
name is Mary. I'm a Catholic and this is a Rosary."
The third student got in up front of the class and said, "My
name is Tommy. I am Baptist, and this is a casserole."
A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions
for prayer while a telephone repairman worked nearby. "Kneeling
is definitely the best way to pray," the priest said.
"No," said the minister. "I get the best
results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven."
"You're both wrong." the guru said. "The
most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor."
The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey, fellas."
he interrupted. "The best prayin' I ever did was when
I was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole."
One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell
him it was time to get ready for church, to which he replied,
"I'm not going."
"Why not?" she asked.
"I'll give you two good reasons." He said. "One,
they don't like me, and two, I don't like them."
His mother replied, "I'll give you two good reasons why
you should go to church. One, you're 54 years old, and two, you're
A well-worn one-dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty-dollar
bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired. As they
moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation.
The twenty-dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the
"I've had a pretty good life," the twenty proclaimed.
"Why I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City, the finest
restaurants in New York, performances on Broadway, and even a
cruise to the Caribbean."
"Wow!" said the one dollar bill. "You've
really had an exciting life!"
"So tell me," says the twenty, "Where
have you been throughout your lifetime?"
The one dollar bill replies, "Oh, I've been to the Methodist
Church, the Baptist Church, the Lutheran Church..."
The twenty-dollar bill interrupts, "What's a church?"
The young couple invited their elderly pastor for Sunday dinner.
While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister
asked their son what they were having.
"Goat," the little boy replied
"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth,
"Are you sure about that?"
"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Dad
say to Mom, 'Today is just as good as any to have the old goat
for dinner.' "