You can retire to Arizona where . . .
1. Where you're willing to park three blocks away to find shade.
2. You can drive for four hours in one direction and never leave town.
3. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
4. You know when citizens say Arizona has "dry heat," it will be comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door to check how the turkey is browning.
5. The four seasons are: "Tolerable, Hot, Really Hot, and Are You Kidding Me?!"
OR
You can retire to California where . . .
1. Where you make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a home.
2. The fastest part of your commute will be going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive a rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how many miles something is you tell them how long it will take to get there.
6. The four seasons are: "Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought."
OR
You can retire to The City where . . .
1. Where you say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan Island.
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but still can't find Wisconsin on a U.S. map.
3. You think Central Park is real nature.
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual and you put it on a resume.
5. You've worn out your car horn, reminding you're one of a few who owns one.
6. You're taught that eye contact is an act of aggression.
OR
You can retire to Minnesota where . . .
1. Where you have only four spices: "Salt, Pepper, Ketchup, and Tabasco."
2. Halloween costumes are designed to fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for a hot dish, or better known to everyone as a casserole.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are" "Winter, Still Winter, Almost Winter, and
Construction."
OR
You can retire to Tennessee where . . .
1. Where you can rent a movie and buy bait at the same time.
2. "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. 'He needed killin' is a valid defense in a court of law.
4. Everyone has two first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob,
Mary Ellen, Betty Jean, Linda Beth, etc.
5. Distance is either: "In Yonder, Over Yonder or Out Yonder,"
where it's very important to getting there to know the difference. Or maybe you'll be told how the crow flies or how many sights.
OR
You can retire to Colorado where . . .
1. Where you tie up your $3,000 mountain bike on top of your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband don't forget to pick up Granola on the way home, who will be waiting at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, yet you still have a pony tail.
OR
You can retire to the Midwest where . . .
1. Where you've never met any celebrity but you tell people the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is five cars waiting to pass a farm tractor.
3. You have had to switch from car's panel from heat to A/C on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition such as, "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place you comment with a smile, "Well, it was different."
OR
You can retire to Florida where . . .
1. Where you're served dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind even on condos and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent knee or hip specialist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people. Don't know what that looks like? Here's one from California.