A Little Note
About the Problem with Sipping Vodka
A new priest at
his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After the
mass, he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor
told him that all priests have difficulty in their first mass,
but if the priest needed a crutch he could provide some advise
that might help.
"Allow me to let you
in on a little secret no one knows about," he said.
"I keep a glass of vodka next to the water pitcher.
If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
The following Sunday
he took the monsignor's advice and filled a glass with vodka
and put it next to the water pitcher before the service started.
As the service began he felt nervous . . . . concerned about
how his message would be received. As the time came and he started
to speak, he found himself nervous and stuttering, trying to
find the words that would inspire these lost souls sitting out
in the pews. He looked down at the glass and thought, "I
need to take a sip."
As the minutes
started to fly by, he began to feel more confident, deciding
to take one more sip feeling himself really getting into the
Later at the end
of the service and while standing outside the main entrance,
he felt great as he shook the hands of the people as they strolled
out of the church. He thought to himself as he looked directly
at each one, "Wow, I must have really turned them onto
the Lord. Look at all these smiling faces."
As he walked back
to his office with a confident gate, he saw a note had been
pinned to his door from the monsignor. He pulled the paper off
and laid it down on his desk relaxed, saying to himself, "I
can't wait until next week."
He sipped a glass
of water near by and started to read the note before heading
off to a luncheon with some members who had donated a large
amount of money to the church building fund. The note read .
1. The secret is to sip the vodka,
not gulp it.
2. There are Ten Commandments, not twelve.
3. There were Twelve Disciples, not ten.
4. Jesus was consecrated. The Bible never said he was constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he didn't bet his ass.
6. We should not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as
Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he didn't kick the crap out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey,
he didn't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. Christ never referred to the cross as the Big T.
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper, he said,
"Take this and eat it, for it is my body,"
not, "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary was never referred to as the "Mary
with the Cherry."
13. The recommended grace before a meal has never been, "Rub-A-Dub-Dub,
thanks for the grub . . . Yeah God!"
14. Finally, you should have reported that next Sunday there
will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter
pulling contest at St. Taffy's.The
monsignor ended the note with a little comment. "However,
don't be too hard on yourself." he wrote. "You may
have doubled our attendance next week."