A Little Note About the Problem with Sipping Vodka

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After the mass, he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor told him that all priests have difficulty in their first mass, but if the priest needed a crutch he could provide some advise that might help.

"Allow me to let you in on a little secret no one knows about," he said. "I keep a glass of vodka next to the water pitcher. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

The following Sunday he took the monsignor's advice and filled a glass with vodka and put it next to the water pitcher before the service started. As the service began he felt nervous . . . . concerned about how his message would be received. As the time came and he started to speak, he found himself nervous and stuttering, trying to find the words that would inspire these lost souls sitting out in the pews. He looked down at the glass and thought, "I need to take a sip."

As the minutes started to fly by, he began to feel more confident, deciding to take one more sip feeling himself really getting into the sermon.

Later at the end of the service and while standing outside the main entrance, he felt great as he shook the hands of the people as they strolled out of the church. He thought to himself as he looked directly at each one, "Wow, I must have really turned them onto the Lord. Look at all these smiling faces."

As he walked back to his office with a confident gate, he saw a note had been pinned to his door from the monsignor. He pulled the paper off and laid it down on his desk relaxed, saying to himself, "I can't wait until next week."

He sipped a glass of water near by and started to read the note before heading off to a luncheon with some members who had donated a large amount of money to the church building fund. The note read . . .

1. The secret is to sip the vodka, not gulp it.
2. There are Ten Commandments, not twelve.
3. There were Twelve Disciples, not ten.
4. Jesus was consecrated. The Bible never said he was constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he didn't bet his ass.
6. We should not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he didn't kick the crap out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, he didn't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. Christ never referred to the cross as the Big T.
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper, he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body," not, "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary was never referred to as the "Mary with the Cherry."
13. The recommended grace before a meal has never been, "Rub-A-Dub-Dub, thanks for the grub . . . Yeah God!"
14. Finally, you should have reported that next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
The monsignor ended the note with a little comment. "However, don't be too hard on yourself." he wrote. "You may have doubled our attendance next week."

Source: E-mail


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