BARACK OBAMA:
“The chicken crossed the road because he knew it was our time. The chicken had wanted change being on the same side of the road for the last eight years! However, I would advise that chicken after an election to stay on the same side of the road to avoid getting run over by 53-million angry voters.”
JOHN MCCAIN:
"My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side, even if there were some wild turkeys back on the farm."
SARAH PALIN:
"Who cares about the stupid chicken when you can feed an entire family for the winter with meat from a fresh caribou, using the skin for clothing. In Alaska we've been green for decades, calling it common sense. We Alaskans are not like those politically correct sons of britches back at NBC in Gotham."
HILLARY CLINTON:
"When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken cross the road. I even used the military to serve it to my Democrat friends for a party fund raiser at the White House. This politically correct and useless experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure, right from day one as president, that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me."
GEORGE W. BUSH:
"We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road. The chicken is either against us or for us. There is no middle white line here.
DICK CHENEY:
"In Wyoming, we didn't call it a chicken. We just call it dinner."
COLIN POWELL:
"Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the truck that brought the chicken to the wrong side of the road in the first place. By the way, I was really told to say that years ago, so I figure a way to get even and bring the chicken home to roost.
BILL CLINTON:
"I didn't cross the road with that chicken, nor looked at its breast or offered a cigar to celebrate its crossing the road. Anyone that says otherwise is just spreading chicken s*** and being divisive."
AL GORE:
"Actually, I invented the chicken and don't mind saying I made damn good money proclaiming a chicken in every pot would reduce global warming by 50%. Getting rid of steak and hamburger for dinner eliminated all those cow farts warming the earth. Now, if I could just figure out how to get rid of all the farts from people eating chicken. Hey, what's the stock price on the maker of synthetic salmonella?"
JOHN KERRY:
"Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it, fearing the chicken's success will eventually eliminate the need for ketchup." Therefore, I was against it before I was for it.
AL SHARPTON:
"I don't know why most chickens have to be white. We need more black chickens to come home to roost and cross many roads for change. We need to get FOX out of the hen house."
DR. PHIL:
"The problem we have here is that the chicken won't realize he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before he goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new ones. This chicken behaves as if the feed is always better on the other side of the road."
OPRAH:
"Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take the natural falls in life, I'm going to give this chicken a new wheel barrow to ride in along with a book deal to write about his journeys off the farm. It will make him very rich, no longer wanting to cross the road."
ANDERSON COOPER, CNN:
"We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road. However, we have a video from a terrorist over there ready to shoot the chicken, holding his fire until all the little chicks are out of the way."
NANCY GRACE, CNN:
"That chicken crossed the road to get away from justice. I can just smell he's guilty! You can even see it in his shifty eyes and the way he prances around the barn yard eating corn, as if nothing happened. An unnamed source reported to me they even smelled rotten eggs in the hen house, as we have reported to you hundreds of times in the last three months."
PAT BUCHANAN:
"The chicken has already crossed our southern border to steal jobs from decent, hardworking American hens, putting all its eggs in one basket and sending it back home."
MARTHA STEWART:
"When the chicken crosses the road, I want to have the table set properly with plenty of my best New England friends in attendance. We'll need cool California wine with fresh baked dough boy rolls and seasoned rice. Just be sure to avoid telling the chicken he's going to be the main course on our favorite china."
DR SEUSS:
"Did the chicken cross the road? Yes, he tried to cross it with a toad? The chicken did cross the road, but why it crossed it I've not been told. We asked the toad but he couldn't be found. Oh there's the toad squashed into the ground."
ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
"The chicken crossed the road to die in the rain, alone. On a hot summer's eve it was deboned. Now that you know the story, pass a drum stick."
THE LATE JERRY FALWELL:
"The chicken crossed the road because he wasn't a hen at all, but a rooster looking for others of his kind. But I say to you, how in God's name can we have eggs in the morning in a world filled with roosters. Pretty soon they'll want to marry, leaving us with only hens. Talk about buying the farm."
GRANDPA:
"In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody just told us the chicken had crossed the road, and that was good enough. We only said, 'Did you get a clear shot?'"
BABA WAWA:
"In a few moments you'll be listening to the chicken tell us, for the first time on this network, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting. Yet still in its pain it went onto accomplish a lifelong dream of crossing the road to find a better life on the other side. Isn't that interesting, in this day and age where most chickens are happy to roost in the hen house where life is safe, a Baba Wawa exclusive."
PLATO:
"It's the nature of chickens to cross the road, get hit, and die. Other chickens will try to change history when crossing the road, but they will not. You will know the end is near after previous generations of chickens have worked hard to build a new hen house, newer chicks chirping they don't have to contribute with work already done. They will then stand up high on their legs and shout, "Obama," demanding free iPods, free downloads of chicken music, and text messaging when they want their feed delivered."
JOHN LENNON:
"Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together in peace and joy, no worry if eggs are ever laid again or chicks are warmed. All they want is love, love, love."
BILL GATES:
"I have just released eChicken Nashville, which will not only cross roads but will help lay more eggs, save every feather, and work all night without a cluck. It will work seamless with other brands of chicken, browsing to see if their eggs are compatible. In the end eChicken Nashville is a better, faster, cheaper chicken, the platform of choice with progressive hens."
ALBERT EINSTEIN:
"Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken? Time will tell."
COLONEL SANDERS:
"Did I miss one?"